The Auto-Erotic Society

A world premised on masturbation

Sex, by definition, requires another person.

Solo-sex is an oxymoron. Masturbating is to sex what watching baseball is to playing baseball. Just because you are in the same ballpark doesn’t mean you are doing the same thing. But that is a strained analogy so I could just use the phrase “in the same ballpark.” Really, if we were to make the analogy more accurate, you wouldn’t be in the ballpark. You would be watching the game at home, in a room, alone.

It is essentially different.¹

Masturbation takes something that is inherently communal (even if extremely private)—the sexual act—and turns it in on the individual, makes it explicitly about the individual. It pantomimes the act, responds to the same surge of hormones, relies on the same biophysical mechanisms, culminates in the same release…and yet leaves one diminished and disappointed because the telos of those desires are not only an orgasm, but a connection with another, with a person.

It is all husk, no fruit.

But we live in a world that is increasingly relying on the logic of masturbation for more and more of what should lead us to human connection: an auto-erotic society.

Botticelli, Venus and Mars, c. 1485

A World Premised on Masturbation

What is the auto-erotic society?

It is a society of porn, of AI girlfriends, of OnlyFans, of hookups. But not only that.

It is also a society of people sitting by themselves, watching live streams, binging shows, scrolling alone. It is where it is typical for everyone to cancel or dip out at the last minute, where people don’t want to put in the hard work of building new relationships, where the “thumbs up” reply on text threads becomes common currency for exchanges. Why? Because it is just easier.

It is a culture that normalizes a perversion of desire. Human beings are wired with relational desires, ranging from a simple desire for friends to the desire for a romantic partner. These desires naturally lead us out of ourselves and into a relationship. The auto-erotic society, on the other hand, does the opposite: it takes those desires and drives us inward, into ourselves, alone.

Masturbation is perhaps the best symbolic act to represent this kind of human impoverishment.

In a letter to a friend, C.S. Lewis explains:

For me the real evil of masturbation would be that it takes an appetite which, in lawful use, leads the individual out of himself to complete (and correct) his own personality in that of another (and finally in children and even grandchildren) and turns it back; sends the man back into the prison of himself, there to keep a harem of imaginary brides.²

Lewis sees how sexuality, properly enjoyed, requires a communion with others which “completes” and “corrects” himself: first with a spouse, and then with the family that spring from that union. Masturbation circumvents this process, and leads the man back “into the prison of himself.” But, as Lewis continues, the prison is a prison of mirrors:

And this harem, once admitted, works against his ever getting out and really uniting with a real woman.

For the harem is always accessible, always subservient, calls for no sacrifices or adjustments, and can be endowed with erotic and psychological attractions which no woman can rival.

Among those shadowy brides he is always adored, always the perfect lover; no demand is made on his unselfishness, no mortification ever imposed on his vanity.

In the end, they become merely the medium through which he increasingly adores himself.³

But you can see this interior prison not only in the act of masturabtion, but in many other places as well.

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The Gym of Narcissus

Ancient mosaic of physical exercise, c. 4th century

The gym I attend is (I think) fairly typical. Most of the patrons in there huffing and sweating are ordinary people with a few pounds to lose and a general “I just want to be healthy” attitude. There are also the marathoners who look like 2x4’s that run at antelope speed. There are a couple of serious weight lifters, the bulldozers of flesh: massive and grunty with lots of wrinkles of skin on the back of their heads. But then there is another group of people that we could call “influencers.” They are men and women who are there (with their tripods) working out primarily for aesthetics…but for something else too, something that is hard to put a finger on.

Influencers don’t merely want to “look good” (who doesn’t?)—they want to be noticed looking good. And being noticed is not the same thing as merely wanting to look attractive.

There is a kind of sliding scale on “looking good” that we all recognize. There is basic decorum—wanting to look like a civilized, sane human being as you go out into the world. (If you show up at the job interview looking like someone walking the aisles of Walmart at 3AM, things probably won’t go well for you.)

But there is also the “I want to attract a mate” kind of beauty. We use clothes, perfume, make-up and all that jazz to make ourselves look desirable for another. The grandma getting her hair done before her 60th anniversary and the 18-year-old getting ready for prom are both beautifying themselves. But the point, the telos of looking attractive isn’t merely about yourself; it is to lead you to engage with a particular person, to make them notice you and move towards you romantically.

But the influencer? Their beauty isn’t leading to a relational encounter. There is a small cottage industry of fitness influencers who relish catching someone of the opposite sex approaching them on camera and trying to talk to them, only to tell their million+ followers on TikTok what a omg CREEP that guy was. They may be making themselves look beautiful and seductive at the gym, but they don’t want it to lead to a conversation, let alone a date.

What do they want?

They want attention; the ego-boost of knowing that other people are looking at them, that their bodies and symmetrical faces catch the eyes of others. They are looking at themselves through the eyes of others looking at them. So, they flaunt their bodies with painted-on exercise clothes (or lack thereof) that so sink into every crack and crevice that you wonder if they can’t taste the spandex—while also never actually speaking with anyone else at the gym. They may be happily married or in a relationship or not looking for any romantic encounter at all; but their flexing in the mirror and seductive selfies aren’t about that. They are broadcasting their hyper-sexualized aesthetic, but never intending to actually pursue a sexual end, because the point of their looks isn’t about another person: it’s about themselves.

That is the auto-erotic society at work. Taking something that is naturally meant to lead us out of ourselves and into relationship (beauty, attraction), but just making it about ourselves (attention). The influencer may not have a harem of imaginary brides he/she is lusting after, but they have an imaginary harem that is lusting after them. Either way, they are receding further and further inward, fixating on themselves more and more.

Caravaggio, Narcissus, c. 1599

Adoring Yourself

Lewis believed that the real danger behind masturbation was that by circumventing the normal end of sexual desires you (1) never actually will unite with a real woman because they can’t compete with the “harem of imaginary brides” and (2) that harem becomes just a “medium through which [you] increasingly adore” yourself. Your mind becomes a Brave New World jail cell, watching feelie after feelie where you are the air-brushed hero of every scene.

After all, almost the main work of life is to come out of ourselves, out of the little dark prison we are all born in. Masturbation is to be avoided as all things are to be avoided which retard this process. The danger is that of coming to love the prison.”⁴

Masturbation may be one of the more visceral examples of this problem, but it is only one expression.

The auto-erotic society isn’t just a society of porn addicts, but a society where we elect to shrink away like hermit crabs from all community and relationship, where we replace the costly, solid joys of connecting with one another with the cheap, easy pleasures of self-gratification.

Think of the young man who isn’t only addicted to pornography, but who also has chosen to mediate all of his relationships through screens. He doesn’t have to show up on the weekend to help his friend with a project, or take a risk and ask the girl in the coffee shop about the book she is reading, or volunteer in the church nursery with crayon-chewing toddlers.

He can access sexual content, on his terms, when he wants. He can interact with his AI chatbots, on his terms, when he wants. And he can participate in an online community, on his terms, when he wants. All the while the normal, sanctifying friction points of relationship, of other people are glossed over into the seamless, beveled edges of ease. Point, zoom, click. He gets a simulacrum of relationship and connection—but it is a masturbatory one. The eyes of the porn star, the affirmation of chatGPT, the thin convenience of friendships made in video games; all of it is a way in which he can avoid the real problems in life, in himself. If he were to pursue a real woman, he would have to confront his own character flaws; real friendships are inconvenient; vulnerability with a real person is risky.

His M.O. in the auto-erotic world is to remove all of that difficulty. He can just feel good about himself without needing to “complete” and “correct” anything.

He is Narcissus, living in a world that has never made it more easy for all of us to stare unendingly at our own reflection.

1. This article is not a proper interaction with the ethic of masturbation from a Biblical perspective, per se. I’ll write that article at some point. This is looking at more of the psychological and spiritual ramifications of a life that follows the logic of masturabtion.

2. Personal letter from Lewis to Keith Masson (found in The Collected Letters of C.S. Lewis, Volume 3)

3. Ibid.

4. Ibid.