Marc: I'd love your advice...as a dad to a 20 year old daughter who is just in the early stages of seeing/hanging out with a guy who we (her parents) really like and see as a guy we'd feel comfortable with her dating -- would you recommend me sharing this article with the guy in advance of the 1:1 conversation I plan to have with him when they want to officially date? Because, as you experienced, I don't want to create this cringey awkward situation but I want to be frank and transparent on my/our expectations of him as a guy who is dating our daughter. I hope this question makes sense, I'm looking forward to your book coming out.
Hey Thomas, I think I unfortunately cannot give you terribly helpful advice from afar. But with that proviso, I would think that forwarding the article could be helpful. It might be wise to speak with your daughter first, perhaps have her read it. Especially given the humorous story I share at first, it might be lighthearted way to diffuse the tension of that conversation, while providing a third-party (my article) to help provide the scaffolding of the conversation.
When my husband and I were dating as adults living on our own, we had to figure out our own rules for success. Basically either to be alone in public, or with others in private. In other words, we would be alone together when hiking, in a restaurant, on a date, etc. But at home, only if others were present or could return at any time. It helps, I think, to consider a more traditional culture. For Americans, perhaps the couple sitting on a porch swing, able to spend time alone, but not completely private, because Dad was just inside the house. There is external enforcement of physical boundaries. One thing that did not exist in traditional cultures was cars, which for some people could be a problem for maintaining chastity. Also, years-long engagements are odd.
I wish I had these words of wisdom when I started dating! I thought I had set clear boundaries but it was so easy to push past them. Clarity from the very start is ideal.
I've been looking forward to seeing an article like this! This is a vital read for anyone who's looking to start dating! And yes, it is so important for us as men to set up these boundaries quick and early.
As a new believer in 1977 at 13, not from a Christian family, I was taught by the saved drug using hippies a very rigid fundamentalist way. Not having a great relationship with my quiet dad, I definitely didn’t have a balanced view of dating. My husband and I got married 10 years later not having sex before marriage, which was good. But having my 3 sons is where I have regret about not handling things with wisdom and sensitivity. As a mom I was very fearful of premarital sex and that fear wasn’t helpful in teaching them. My husband had his own issues, but I have regrets that I didn’t help them with the balanced approach you described. One of them is married now. But I want to say I think this is a great article to discuss with your kids. Thx for sharing it. I’ve discussed these issues with them and apologized for my lack of wisdom as a mom, but you can’t change the past.
Thank you, "Christian Futurist." My wife and I (at her request) did not kiss until just after we were married. We have no regrets. It installed deep trust in each other that continues into our marriage, a confidence that the other is able to control desires and be faithful. Not everyone is called to that exact path, but it is certainly within the realm of very good.
This is a thoughtful guide. It reminds us that physical boundaries in dating are not about fear or legalism but about protecting hearts, honoring God, and cultivating self-control. Wise boundaries create space for love, respect, and growth without compromising integrity.
There's no "should" about physical affection in dating. Many cultures, even today, practice arranged marriage with absolutely no physical affection before marriage. That was in fact fhe norm in biblical times. And there's nothing wrong with that at all.
Wow. This is the article I’ve been looking for. I’ve had so many questions about the blueprint for a Christian relationship but no one to actually ask. And now I come across this and it’s so helpful in answering everything I’ve been unsure about. Thank you
You might look up alternate renderings of 1 Cor 7:36 about “behaving improperly toward his virgin” a number of translations chose to translate it as him behaving improperly toward his OWN virginity /status as a virgin…
Big emphasis on the guy leading in boundaries. He initiates setting up boundaries but will also be the one tempted to lead in breaking them
Marc: I'd love your advice...as a dad to a 20 year old daughter who is just in the early stages of seeing/hanging out with a guy who we (her parents) really like and see as a guy we'd feel comfortable with her dating -- would you recommend me sharing this article with the guy in advance of the 1:1 conversation I plan to have with him when they want to officially date? Because, as you experienced, I don't want to create this cringey awkward situation but I want to be frank and transparent on my/our expectations of him as a guy who is dating our daughter. I hope this question makes sense, I'm looking forward to your book coming out.
Hey Thomas, I think I unfortunately cannot give you terribly helpful advice from afar. But with that proviso, I would think that forwarding the article could be helpful. It might be wise to speak with your daughter first, perhaps have her read it. Especially given the humorous story I share at first, it might be lighthearted way to diffuse the tension of that conversation, while providing a third-party (my article) to help provide the scaffolding of the conversation.
grateful for your thoughts, yes, understand, from afar -- but in general I like this recommendation...
When my husband and I were dating as adults living on our own, we had to figure out our own rules for success. Basically either to be alone in public, or with others in private. In other words, we would be alone together when hiking, in a restaurant, on a date, etc. But at home, only if others were present or could return at any time. It helps, I think, to consider a more traditional culture. For Americans, perhaps the couple sitting on a porch swing, able to spend time alone, but not completely private, because Dad was just inside the house. There is external enforcement of physical boundaries. One thing that did not exist in traditional cultures was cars, which for some people could be a problem for maintaining chastity. Also, years-long engagements are odd.
This is so helpful!!! I recently started dating, and I appreciate the guidance here. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
I wish I had these words of wisdom when I started dating! I thought I had set clear boundaries but it was so easy to push past them. Clarity from the very start is ideal.
I've been looking forward to seeing an article like this! This is a vital read for anyone who's looking to start dating! And yes, it is so important for us as men to set up these boundaries quick and early.
8. Don't light a fire that cannot be put out... righteously.
As a new believer in 1977 at 13, not from a Christian family, I was taught by the saved drug using hippies a very rigid fundamentalist way. Not having a great relationship with my quiet dad, I definitely didn’t have a balanced view of dating. My husband and I got married 10 years later not having sex before marriage, which was good. But having my 3 sons is where I have regret about not handling things with wisdom and sensitivity. As a mom I was very fearful of premarital sex and that fear wasn’t helpful in teaching them. My husband had his own issues, but I have regrets that I didn’t help them with the balanced approach you described. One of them is married now. But I want to say I think this is a great article to discuss with your kids. Thx for sharing it. I’ve discussed these issues with them and apologized for my lack of wisdom as a mom, but you can’t change the past.
Love this!
Thank you, "Christian Futurist." My wife and I (at her request) did not kiss until just after we were married. We have no regrets. It installed deep trust in each other that continues into our marriage, a confidence that the other is able to control desires and be faithful. Not everyone is called to that exact path, but it is certainly within the realm of very good.
This is a thoughtful guide. It reminds us that physical boundaries in dating are not about fear or legalism but about protecting hearts, honoring God, and cultivating self-control. Wise boundaries create space for love, respect, and growth without compromising integrity.
There's no "should" about physical affection in dating. Many cultures, even today, practice arranged marriage with absolutely no physical affection before marriage. That was in fact fhe norm in biblical times. And there's nothing wrong with that at all.
Maybe!
Wow. This is the article I’ve been looking for. I’ve had so many questions about the blueprint for a Christian relationship but no one to actually ask. And now I come across this and it’s so helpful in answering everything I’ve been unsure about. Thank you
It’s foolish to think that kissing is anything less than a means to an end. Kissing shouldn’t even be considered in a courting/dating relationship
You might look up alternate renderings of 1 Cor 7:36 about “behaving improperly toward his virgin” a number of translations chose to translate it as him behaving improperly toward his OWN virginity /status as a virgin…
I’m familiar with that interpretation, but it isn’t imo a well supported position.
Your future is decided less by ambition and more by where you stand today.