7 Points of Wisdom for Physical Boundaries in Dating

A story, a guide, and a plea to not be weird about this

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When I was fifteen-years-old (and had been a Christian for about fifteen minutes) I got my first girlfriend. We met in a youth group and one thing led to another and soon I was sitting across a diner table from her father, trying to look like a man sipping black coffee.¹

(Everytime I felt nervous I took a drink. I drank nearly six cups. I thought I was going into cardiac arrest on the drive home).

The girl was sweet: ponytails, pink cardigans, homeschooled, Disney princess, etc. I was dopey but sincere. We were kids. She had three other sisters, but was the first one to get a boyfriend. So, I was the first guy the dad had to deal with. He was the first dad I had ever done this with. But she said if I wanted to date her, I had to talk with the dadinator.²

Granted, he didn’t really know me super well, I was a new Christian, this was his first rodeo, and we all know that teenage boys can cause a world of problems. Nonetheless, he overcompensated. He approached me like an FBI agent meeting a drug mule for a cartel, like I had neck tattoos and was struggling to pay my child support. In reality, I had never shaved, would get weepy at youth group, and was driven to the diner by my mom.

He sat rigid, spoke in terse sentences, furrowed brow. He reminded me that it was his job to protect his daughters, to guard their purity as well as their hearts. He wasn’t cruel and was sort of aware that he was going a bit overboard—but if he had to err, he definitely wanted to err on the “overboard” side.

I shrank to the size of a bean and nodded quietly, sipping my coffee, agreeing with anything he said.

He put his elbows on the table and then interwove his fingers together, demonstrating that holding hands with interlocked fingers, like so, was far too intimate, sensual. We could, instead, cup our hands together, keeping our respective fingers in locked, virginal unity. No frontal hugs. No spending time at my house. And, it goes without saying, no kissing.

*Gavel bangs* case closed, meeting adjourned, all rise.

I was petrified. Though the meeting ended with him technically giving his blessing, it felt more like a business negotiation with North Korea. I made the mistake of calling him by his first name at one point and saw a wave of violence ripple beneath his face: “You call me Mr. X, understand?”

It took me a month from that meeting to even attempt to hold (very sweaty) hands. Three months after that I received his blessing to interlock our fingers (goodness, this sounds so weird). At one year of dating, I asked his permission to kiss his daughter.

He said no.

---

Whenever I share this story, people usually laugh. With the hindsight of being an adult and parent now myself, it seems clear that Mr. X was a tad heavy-handed. Maybe he regrets it now. Maybe he changed and the next boyfriend after me got it easier than I did. I don’t know.

I am grateful, however, that after Pink Ponytail and I walked away from that relationship, we did so with no baggage, no regrets about pushing things too far. In that sense, her dad’s drill sergeant demeanor really worked.

But is that the only way? Do boyfriends need a jaw-clenched father reminding them that he knows how to use a shotgun and shovel? Is intertwining fingers the fast track towards an unplanned pregnancy?

I don’t think so.

Forbidden

What Does the Bible Say?

Like many fine-points of life, the Bible doesn’t appear to give us granular directions on exactly what to do in setting physical boundaries in dating. Instead, it provides clear prohibitions on premarital sex, and then general principles for us to apply with wisdom in our particular situations. I want the bulk of this article to be on considering wise principles, but let’s begin with what the Bible is abundantly clear on…

Sex Is Reserved for Marriage

To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion. - 1 Corinthians 7:8-9

Paul believes that the life of singleness is better than the life of marriage.³ Nevertheless, if remaining chaste is not an option, then marriage should be pursued, for it is better to marry than burn with passion. The assumption?

Marriage is the only permissible context for the passion of sexual activity to be channeled.

This firmly closes the door on the idea that premarital sexual activity is permissible, provided you don’t have intercourse. Paul states that if you cannot exercise self-control over your passions, you must pursue marriage. He does not suggest alternative sexual activity.⁴

Again, later in the chapter, Paul advises:

If anyone thinks that he is not behaving properly toward his betrothed, if his passions are strong, and it has to be, let him do as he wishes: let them marry—it is no sin. - 1 Corinthians 7:36

If a man cannot restrain his passions towards the woman pledged to be married, then he should pursue marriage. Note: this does not mean that marriage is the answer in every relationship that is struggling with purity.⁵ Paul’s point is simple:

The only context for sexual activity is marriage.⁶

Seven Points of Advice

What do you need to set wise, God-honoring boundaries physically in a dating relationship?

1. A Heart that Desires to Honor the Lord with Your Body

The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body…Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body. - 1 Cor 6:13, 19-20

As a blood-bought Christian, filled with the Holy Spirit, you do not have authority over what happens with your body. God does. And He has made it clear: your body is not made for the sin of sexual immorality, but for Him. Pushing towards sex outside of marriage is putting you in direct opposition towards the design of your body (the body is not meant for sexual immorality).

So, a Christian’s heart is not “How can I use my body to satisfy my desires?”

Our heart is: “How can I use my body in accordance with what God made it for?”

We are not pressing our face against the chain-link fence of prohibition, trying to get as much of a taste of the “forbidden” as possible. We believe that God’s commands actually lead to life—He knows how our body works, how sex is to be used, and it is better.

Further, we are not staring out into the forbidden, fantasizing about what it would be like to go there. Our eyes are fixed on the Lord, longing to see Him ever more clearly.

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. - Matthew 5:8

If you lack this fundamental desire to honor the Lord with your body, then no amount of boundaries or rules (or foreboding, knuckle-cracking fathers) will help. If, at the end of the day, you sincerely believe that what is off-limits really is flat-out more satisfying than seeing God, you won’t resist. Why?

Because sex is powerful.

2. A Healthy Respect for the Power of Sex

Satan cannot create, he can only pervert. Sex is not evil. It is a wonderful part of God’s creation. In Proverbs, Solomon advises his son to avoid the seductive woman, not by smothering sexual desire or rejecting sexuality out of hand. Instead, he advises his son to—literally—get drunk off of sex with his own wife.⁷ Sex is a good gift God has given.

But there is a reason that the Bride in Song of Solomon repeatedly warns the reader: “Do not stir up or awaken love before its time,” (Song 2:7, 3:5, 8:4). Eros is powerful. God has designed our bodies, hormones, and nervous system to move us towards sex once we begin intimate, physical contact with the opposite sex. This isn’t wrong, this is the design.

Young Christians trying to keep themselves pure in dating should have a healthy respect for how powerful this process is—not because sex is bad, but because it is so good.

I don’t let my children play with fire. Not because fire is inherently bad, but because my children do not have a healthy awareness of how powerful it is—for good or for ill.

If you think that an extended session of passionate kissing and roaming hands will not create a powerful surge in you pulling you towards more, then you have not seriously considered how potent, how good, how exquisite this gift is…and how destructive the consequences are when treated so lightly.

3. An Honest Evaluation of Your Own Weaknesses

Are you prone to sexual sin?

Have you consistently shown bad judgment in this regard in the past?

Are you regularly viewing pornography or reading erotica that has trained your imagination to view sex like the world does?

Does the media that you consume (Reels, movies, shows, books, songs, etc.) make sexual sin feel normal and righteousness seem strange?

Has masturbation taught you that when you feel a sexual urge you should indulge it?

Do you tend to exercise self-control well in other areas of life? Eating habits, video game or Netflix binges, keeping commitments, doing your work, sleeping well, exercise?

Are you honest with people about stuff like this? Would anyone know?

You need to stare at yourself honestly and ask questions like these. If you find that you tend to be a self-indulgent person who finds discipline to be hard won, whose mind has been trained by pornography, who has familiarized yourself with yielding to sensuality, then you will need to be much more strict, more cautious in setting barriers up.

The Idyll of Love, by Marcus Stone, c. 1870

4. A Courageous Community Who Loves You

You should have brothers and sisters in Christ around you who (1) know you and your history with the above questions, (2) know what your current guardrails are for physical intimacy, and (3) know when you have blown past those guardrails. This is really just a call for you to do what all of us should do—pursue the Lord in the context of the local church where loving accountability and confession of sin can be provided.

5. A Humble Heart to Receive Correction and Honor Authority

If you sit down with an older, wiser Christian in your life and explain what your physical relationship with your boyfriend or girlfriend looks like, do you have the humility to listen to their advice? To alter course?

If those that God has placed in authority over you—parents, pastors, teachers, etc.—advise you to abide by certain standards, are you willing to honor their authority?

Sure, they may be wrong, but so may you.

6. A Mind that Is Fully Convinced

Paul explains that when we are discussing matters of “opinion” each Christian must be “fully convinced in their own mind,” (Romans 14:1-5).

What is permissible physically in a dating relationship is a matter of opinion. There is no chapter and verse that dictates precisely where on the thigh a boyfriend can place his hand, how long a kiss can take, and whether intertwining fingers while holding hands is a bridge too far. At the end of the day, what limits are set on the physicality of your dating relationship will have to be decisions of wisdom that you believe honor God and guard the goodness of sex in marriage for you and the other. But those decisions will be extremely context dependent on how you (and your gf/bf) have responded to the previous five points.

If your conscience feels uneasy about the level of physicality that is taking place you need to stop and change, even if the other person doesn’t feel that it is wrong. The Bible is abundantly clear that to violate your conscience—even if it is weak and overly sensitive—is wrong.⁸

7. A Practical Starting Point

I realize that getting specific may feel legalistic or lame, but these are suggestions. You need to decide what is wise for your relationship. But I think it helps to, at the very least, have a starting point to work with. Ideally, the boyfriend should be the one to take the initiative in establishing these ground rules and having a conversation about them.

If I were to lay down some rules to serve as a blueprint, here is what I would suggest:

1. No hands under clothes. Not even just the edge of a shirt, or edge of shorts.

2. No hands on or near areas that bathing suits cover.

3. No lying down together alone or under a blanket.

4. No closed bedroom doors.

5. Kisses start on the cheek and end on the lips, nowhere else.

6. Kiss simply. Kiss like you are in public, not in the bedroom.

7. No discussion of sex or desires until you are engaged, ideally in premarital counseling.

These are a good starting place. For some, these may be too restrictive, for others not restrictive enough. Use the previous seven points to add or subtract as is necessary. But remember, setting physical boundaries is like setting ice cream out on the counter: it softens over time. You should be very mindful that whatever standard you set at the beginning is likely a river that will never rise higher than that starting point. Trying to enact more strict guidelines later is very difficult.

A Courting Couple, by John Absolon

Don’t Be Weird

Mr. X would probably agree with a good deal of what I listed out above. However, the tightly coiled intensity he brought to the table made me uncertain that any kind of romantic expression towards a girlfriend was allowed. I felt literally uncomfortable around the girl for an extended period of time because I assumed that any quality to our relationship which was beyond mere friendship was so riddled with danger that it was better to just not even open that door.

In conservative Christian circles there can be a level of suspicion and fence-guarding towards purity that can turn neurotic. Because I became a Christian as a teenager, wasn’t raised in a home where names like James Dobson were known and had never Kissed Dating Goodbye, I did not drink in the purity culture that affected so many who grew up in the 80’s, 90’s and early 00’s. Reading Rachel Joy Welcher’s book on purity culture was a serious eye opener for me to just how weird and lopsided all that can become.

But there is healthy, normal physical intimacy in dating that is not sinful. You should have a level of attraction and chemistry that makes you two relate to one another physically in a way you do not with anyone else: you sit closer, hold hands, rest heads on shoulders, stare at each other and get butterflies. You should flirt, and tell each other mushy gushy things that would make your friends roll their eyes. You should let your fingers dance across each other’s arms and stare googly eyed at each other. The buzz of electricity you feel when you are physically close is a part of God’s good design: the current intended to draw you towards the shore of marriage.

Don’t treat the pleasure of physical connection like it is inherently bad. It isn’t. Don’t assume that your longing for the full expression of sexual desire is wicked. It isn’t.

What is bad, what will ruin the innocent, pure, physical delight of each other will be believing that the only way to enjoy it is by wandering off God’s path and onto Satan’s. Satan can be either a legalist or a prodigal. He can pull you into Las Vegas or the fundamentalist college where boys and girls walk on different sidewalks. Satan loves to inflate God’s laws to cartoonish, Pharisaic extremes because it paints God as a miserly killjoy who grumbles at anyone, enjoying anything. But often, those fundamentalist colleges can turn into Las Vegas in the blink of an eye.

Why?

Well, if any sensual pleasure is suspect out of hand—and it feels so good to hold her hand, to kiss her, to hold her close—you might be tempted to think: I know this is wrong, this is forbidden, but it feels so good. I bet other forbidden things feel just as good too…

Remember, Satan’s first words were not an enticement to eat the forbidden fruit, it was: Did God actually say, ‘You shall not eat of any tree in the garden’?”

1. All of my friends promised me this would make me look serious and grown up.

2. I want to cut this guy some slack; this was his first rodeo. He didn’t really know me, and he had obviously swallowed a lot of tropes around what a father was supposed to do when a boyfriend showed up at the door.

(I later found out that—as a joke—he grabbed a shotgun and strapped a bandolier of shells across his chest to show his daughter he was “ready” to meet me. Again, just a joke, but that was the vibe.)

3. He is able to remain singularly focused on his risk-taking endeavors as a missionary because he is not responsible to a wife or children.

I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. 33 But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, 34 and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. 35 I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord. - 1 Corinthians 7:32-35

4. No sexual contact whatsoever—anything used to stimulate sexual excitement with the intent of moving towards sexual release.

5. Sometimes the best answer isn’t to rush into marriage, but to end the relationship. Wisdom and counsel are needed to evaluate each instance.

Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. - Hebrews 13:4

6. Hebrews assumes that expressions of sexual activity outside of the context of marriage represent “sexual immorality” and “adultery.” Here, the “marriage bed” is a synecdoche where the bed is intended to refer to sexual activity. The term koitē literally refers to a “bed” (see Luke 11:7), but is used both in and outside of the Bible to refer to marital intimacy.

“It is important to note, however, that in class. Gk. the extended meaning seems restricted to marriage intimacy (this is true even in Eurip. Med. 151–57)…The noun κοίτη occurs only 4x in the NT, and it is used lit. only once (Luke 11:7, in the parable of the man who is disturbed by a friend at midnight after the family has gone to bed [εἰς τὴν κοίτην εἰσίν]; note also the term κοιτών, “bed chamber,” found only in Acts 12:20). The remaining passages involve physical intimacy.” - New International Dictionary of New Testament Theology and Exegesis entry on “κοίτη”

More could be weighed in the Old Testament, like the teachings of Proverbs and Song of Solomon, but the assumption of the Bible is fairly clear. All sexual activity—of any sort—is to be hemmed in by the covenant of marriage.

7. Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, 19 a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love. 20 Why should you be intoxicated, my son, with a forbidden woman and embrace the bosom of an adulteress? - Proverbs 5:18-20

8. Romans 14:13-15, 23; 1 Corinthians 8:7-13