Sex, Virtue, and Technology
Article at Mere Orthodoxy
I have a new article up today over at Mere Orthodoxy. It is the kernel of the idea I had earlier this year that gave rise to the book I am currently writing on sex, masculinity, and virtue. In it I discuss God’s plan for sexuality, and how the worldview of porn, sex robots, and AI girlfriends is a societal acid that warps us all:
Imagine: The serpent winds his way through the tall grass. The woman sits, combing her hair, unaware. Her husband stands nearby, fiddling with something, paying no mind. The serpent, full of cold malice, quietly hisses to the woman: “Did God really say–”
But, he cannot finish the sentence. The woman’s scream interrupts him and a large rock, hurled by the man, crushes his diamond-shaped head.
Now hit the fast-forward button. Eons pass. Adam and Eve are fruitful and multiply and fill the earth–but it is a pristine, unsullied earth. There is no sin handed down from father to son. Eden has expanded and mankind lives in sinless, perfect communion with one another and with God.
Now, slow the tape.
A young man is walking to the store when a young woman walks by. He notices her. He notices that he notices her. There is a strange magnetism that pulls his head up, as if he is seeing the opposite sex for the first time. She is different than him. She is beautiful. She smiles. A thrill shivers down his chest. He smiles back, his cheeks flush, he opens his mouth but says nothing. She keeps walking, and the moment passes.
Nothing has happened to him, but everything has happened.
An inner tide has gently risen, lifting his attention to the hard-to-define feeling of desire. What does he do? He will not lust or attempt to lure her into a sudden sexual liaison. He will not seek out pornography or self-gratification. He will not seek out any illicit expression of the desire he feels—there are none. As hormones and heart rate increase, there will be a happy, inner restraint.
But this restraint will not be because the sexual urge he experiences is inherently wrong. Nothing is inherently wrong here–he lives in a sinless paradise. “Everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, for it is made holy by the word of God and prayer,” (1 Tim 4:4-5).
God made this world, made our bodies, made marriage, made sex. Nothing is to be rejected, but received with gratitude and holy submission. This means that, far from being denied or despised, the thrill of sexual desire would be used, even as it is restrained. How? This new passion would be harnessed and bridled like a horse being hitched to a wagon; a power channeled to a specific end. The arousal of romantic desire, the sexual urges this young man feels, are driving him somewhere.
Where?
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh,” (Gen 2:24).
Our young man would know that this new desire in him is a stream that will culminate in marriage. He would know that if he is to receive this with thanksgiving and make it holy with word and prayer, he must begin a process of making himself eligible. Meaning, he would need to become a certain kind of person: a man worthy of marriage; a man this beautiful woman would want to marry.
What would that look like?
Let’s drill down into some specifics.
First, while his eyes are googly and heart-shaped, he will still need a clear-headed grasp on reality to be able to discern whether he is ready for a relationship and whether she is the girl for him. And the need to discern won’t stop there. He must learn how to relate with the opposite sex, to see the world from a wholly other perspective. Further, he will need to learn about this girl in particular: what are her likes, her interests, her personality, her fears, her hopes, etc. He must be capable of making the ten-thousands of different decisions that will branch out before him as the relationship progresses, from things as mundane as where to plan a first date, to when to get married. He must become a humble, open receptor to reality standing before him. This takes curiosity, creativity, and discernment. This is the virtue of prudence.
Long before he begins to court this young woman towards the end of marriage, he must first become a man prepared to shoulder the responsibility of marriage, to do the right thing. Husbands are commanded to give much to their wives: their time, affection, commitment, leadership, protection, labor, their very bodies—to so cherish and love their wives that Christ’s own love is revealed in it. This is what is due to a wife. This requires the virtue of justice. The virtue of justice is the commitment to give to another what is their due, what is owed them regardless of circumstance.
Much more practically, the next time the pretty young lady walks by, our young man will want to look presentable. He will need to shower and brush his teeth and wear clothes that don’t have sweat stains. He also will need the mastery over his own his sexual desires, as well as his desires for convenience. He will need to choose to see the world with new eyes rather than assume his own perspective. But he must not smother the fires of passion but keep them bounded in their God-given parameters. This takes the virtue of temperance.
He also knows she may be uninterested, so he needs a willingness to initiate even if she turns him down. He must drum up the courage to start a conversation with her, courage to tell her his intentions, courage to lead the relationship, even when the future is uncertain. Like the bow of a ship cutting through waves, our young man must brave the future. But most importantly, he needs the courage to die to his own preferences for her sake. He also knows that if he wants to marry her, he will need to be able to one day provide for her and future children, so he must work. This will take strength of body and mind. This is the virtue of fortitude.
Love this!