This is an important post to guard believers against using scripture to justify self-centered singleness, which is absolutely the norm today. The reality is self-centeredness is rampant everywhere in both singleness and marriage.
To your point, Paul uses all kinds of qualifiers in 1 Corinthians 7 (V.6 "concession not a command", V.10, "not I but the LORD, and V.12 "I, not the LORD", V.25 "Now concerning the betrothed, I have no command from the LORD, but I give my judgment as one who by the LORD's mercy is trustworthy", V.40 "Yet in my judgment"). As you mention, Paul is hyper-aware that so much of this is context-dependent and he is quick to recognize his unique gifting and to tread carefully in forming absolutes. Paul wanted the Corinthian church to avoid the extremes of ascetitism on one side and licentiousness on the other. Great work and thank you.
Very interesting. I'm currently unmarried at 31. I do have a strong desire for marriage, certainly, and I hope it works out one day.
I can only speak for myself, of course, but I've never felt "pressure" to marry, be it from my family, my friends, or my church community. Marriage is just something that I've always wanted on my own. Sometimes, in Christian circles, you can hear a message along the lines that the desire for marriage is somehow the result of cultural expectations or cultural pressure. That "the world" or "society" somehow brainwashed you into wanting marriage very badly. That hasn't been my experience.
From reading biblical passages like 1 Corinthians 7, it seems like we have the freedom to choose to marry, and the freedom to choose to stay single. And, from reading passages like Matthew 19, many people are single not because THEY chose it OR because God chose it. It's just how life turned out.
Also, I get we don't necessarily have to be wealthy to make a marriage work. But is is important, certainly, to become independent and financially stable. Love doesn't pay the bills, but love should motivate you to figure out a WAY to pay the bills.
I do like your points about Paul. A lot of times, when people discuss 1 Corinthians 7, they can emphasize all the good things he says about singleness, and then preach a message along the lines about how "amazing" and "counter-cultural" Paul's teaching about celibacy is. But it's good to read the whole chapter in its totality, of course.
Paul says he has no "commandment from God" about this. Paul says that HE wishes that everyone was single like him ── not that GOD wishes it. Paul says that HE, personally, is content with being single, but he admits that not everyone is like that. He says that it's good to stay single, but that it's actually BETTER to marry if you have strong desires. Paul "supposes" that it's better to stay single because of "the present distress," some crisis that the church in Corinth was dealing with at the time. He says you're not sinning by marrying. Paul says a widow would be happier if she stayed single, but he admits that this is just a personal opinion. Evidently, many people are NOT happier being single. In 1 Timothy 4:1-3 Paul also condemns people who forbid marriage. And if Paul wrote the Book of Hebrews, then he also said that marriage is a good thing.
You also mention that marriage began in the Garden of Eden. This is a good point to make when talking about singleness, especially unwanted singleness. An interesting thing about marriage is that God created it at the dawn of the world. It happened while Adam had a perfect, sinless relationship with God. So it wasn’t a lack of God being “enough” that made God give Adam a wife. He looked at Adam and said it “wasn’t good” for him to be alone. Wait! So even when he was totally with God, Adam still needed someone else? Whoops.
Of course, then what happened? Mankind rebelled, sin entered the world, and everything has been screwed up ever since. In Matthew 19, when Jesus talks about people who are celibate, he mentions a few different types: people who choose to live that way, people who were made that way by God, and people who were made that way by "other men." In other words, some people stay single, and it’s not because THEY chose it OR because it was "God's plan." It’s just how life turned out. We live in a bad world, where bad things happen and life doesn’t always go our way. I’ve often read that there’s more Christian women in the world than there are men. If that’s broadly accurate, it means that not everyone will be able to find a marriage partner.
Yes, God is good. But we live in a world that is NOT good.
You also mention that marriage takes effort. This is a good point. In my personal experience, a lot of the advice you get in church regarding the desire for marriage involves the usual platitudes and clichés about "learning contentment" and "trusting God's timing," etc., etc. The funny thing about that is that, in 1 Corinthians 7, Paul doesn't tell his readers to be content with their singleness. Paul says that HE, personally, is content with being single, but admits that not everyone is like that. He also says that if you're NOT content with being single......then maybe you should get married.
I mean, if you're 25 or older, and you want to get married, but all you've done is passively wait on "God's timing" for some sort of miracle to happen, well, you should probably put some more effort into it. Often we think being "patient" and "content" is the Good Christian Thing To Do. But we don't approach other areas of our life this way. Or goals like job searches or weight loss.
Often, as Christians we can get the idea that God's a Puppetmaster who's running every aspect of our love lives. That's a bit puzzling, though. If that's really the case, why has dating changed so much? Apparently God "used" to arrange marriages via betrothals at young ages. Then he invented the dating scene.Then he changed it to the early twenties, then mid-twenties, then late twenties, then thirties, and so and so forth. Why? Does He want to "test" us further these days or something? God never promised us a spouse anywhere. How can you trust God to fulfill a promise that He never made to you? The idea of a "soulmate" comes from Greek philosophy and mythology, but the Bible doesn't mention it. Jesus even said that there is no marriage in Heaven. And in 1 Corinthians 7:39, Paul says you can marry whoever you want, as long as they're a Christian.
You also mention the role of parents. This is actually a good topic to discuss. Personally, even though I grew up in a Christian home with two loving and happily married Christian parents, I didn't actually get much dating advice (beyond the usual "don'ts") or a lot of marriage advice (beyond the usual platitudes about "God has someone for you") A lot of the things I learned about dating and marriage came from reading books and blogs. I do wish my own parents had put some more emphasis on how to become a worthy spouse, how to deal with the opposite sex, and how to actually get married. If I ever do marry and have kids, I hope I can be as practical as I can with my advice about these sorts of things.
You also mention that marriage is a good thing. This might seem obvious, but I didn't really grow up in Christian communities where they really emphasized that a lot. They would always say patronizing stuff like "marriage is hard" or "there's more to life than marriage, you know." Or "Remember, single folks! Your number one priority is Jesus!" Well, gee, thanks. Wow. I didn't know that. Hahaha!
It's understandable why people want marriage, and why marriage is a genuinely good thing. As you alluded to, all the research I’ve ever seen (almost all secular) says that married people are happier, have more and better sex, make more money, live longer and impact society more. It’s a societal foundation, apparently. Who knew?
I mean, if you desire romantic love and marriage, well, you can't really find substitutes for it. Yes, your family loves you, but it's not THAT kind of love. Yes, your friends love you, but it's not THAT kind of love. And yes, Jesus loves you.....but it's not THAT kind of love. I've always liked how, in the Bible, there's so many different Hebrew and Greek words for the different kinds of love. In English, we, confusingly, can only over-use one, haha.
Take sex, for instance. In physical terms, sex is the most intimate way that anyone will ever physically connect with you. It's understandable why people want that, and why it hurts when it doesn't work out. And if you're a Christian single, there's no way to satisfy that. Paul seems to understand that in 1 Corinthians 7.
So, yeah, I do agree that, if you remain unmarried, there's lots of good things you miss out on. I feel the pain of that basically every day, and I hope I can make the dream happen one day.
If I had a kid, would I want him to marry at 18 or 45? Well, I have no specific age preference, but, if I ever had a kid who desired to marry, yeah, I would definitely hope that the can make that dream happen as soon as he can, and get his or her life in order so that they can make themselves an attractive marriage prospect. As a single man at 31 who's never married or even been in an "official relationship" (often for bad reasons) I wouldn't wish the pain and loneliness of that on anyone, especially if they had the desire to marry.
Looking forward to the book! I read lots and lots of Christian books about singleness and dating (and sometimes marriage), and they can definitely be a mixed bag, haha.
I was 18 when I got married. We’ve been married 43 long and hard years. It was an awful and terrible decision. However, we have wonderful sons. And they have wonderful families. God has been merciful and gracious.
There’s a lot in this that I agree with, especially the pushback against how casually marriage can get delayed or treated like it’s just one option among many life paths.
At the same time, I think 1 Corinthians 7 holds a tighter balance than the article gives it credit for. Paul really does speak positively about singleness, not just as an exception for a few special cases, but as a real calling that can be deeply fruitful for the Kingdom.
What I appreciate most is the emphasis that if someone genuinely desires marriage, it shouldn’t just be postponed indefinitely or treated like something that will “eventually happen someday.” There’s wisdom in treating it as something you actively move toward, with maturity and intention.
Where I’d gently push back is the idea that cultural delay automatically means people are devaluing marriage. Sometimes it is that, but sometimes it’s just life complexity, finances, or people still growing into readiness.
So I’d land here: marriage is a good and normal gift, singleness is also a real and honored gift, and wisdom is needed not to pressure people into one direction or excuse passivity in the other.
I've never noticed the bit about the crisis the Corinthians were facing. But does that mean Paul is a bit harsh to them here? They are going through a crisis so severe that it upends God's natural life pattern of getting married, but Paul doesn't offer them even a brief word of encouragement for their suffering (like he does with the Thessalonians). He just lays into them for their failings and gives them instructions for normal everyday life, which seems kind of insensitive. And he never mentions the crisis elsewhere, and neither does Luke in Acts. Did they not think the Corinthians suffering was as important as the suffering of the other churches that they do talk about? I know this is a bit off topic, but it just stood out to me as I read your article.
Personally, it doesn't come off as all that harsh., at least not to me. This section of Corinthians is interesting for me because Paul adds all these qualifiers and nuanced statements, which is unusual for him.
What all did Paul say about singleness and marriage? Paul says he has no "commandment from God" about this. Paul says that HE wishes that everyone was single like him ── not that GOD wishes it. Paul says that HE, personally, is content with being single, but he admits that not everyone is like that. He says that it's good to stay single, but that it's actually BETTER to marry if you have strong desires. Paul "supposes" that it's better to stay single because of "the present distress," some crisis that the church in Corinth was dealing with at the time. He says you're not sinning by marrying. Paul says a widow would be happier if she stayed single, but he admits that this is just a personal opinion. Evidently, many people are NOT happier being single. These sections of 1 Corinthians seem to soften his message, at least to me.
Also, Paul was personally content with being single, and he does recommend singleness. But Paul basically admits in this chapter that he's biased. He also concedes that not everyone is like him.
It does seem like Paul loved the Corinthians. Paul noted that he wrote his letters to them "out of much affliction and anguish of heart and with many tears", not to punish them, but to prove the depth of his love (2 Corinthians 2:4). Paul was pretty heavily invested in them. At one point Paul states that he would gladly spend everything he had—and exhaust himself entirely—for the sake of their souls (2 Corinthians 12:15).
It's not a sin at all, no. You don't "need" to start having a desire to get married at 17 or at any age.
In 1 Corinthians 7 Paul writes that he wishes that everyone was like him (a single person content with being single) In Matthew 19 Jesus mentions that there's some people who choose to stay single "for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”
If you have no desire to marry right now, nothing's wrong with you. If you have no desire to marry in the future, nothing's wrong with you. And if you later change and DO begin to have a desire to marry, nothing's wrong with you, either.
Excellent essay! Had so much to highlight. Just especially love the language you use to articulate this call so well.
Your coming book is going to be phenomenal and so needed!
Thank you! That really means a lot.
This is an important post to guard believers against using scripture to justify self-centered singleness, which is absolutely the norm today. The reality is self-centeredness is rampant everywhere in both singleness and marriage.
To your point, Paul uses all kinds of qualifiers in 1 Corinthians 7 (V.6 "concession not a command", V.10, "not I but the LORD, and V.12 "I, not the LORD", V.25 "Now concerning the betrothed, I have no command from the LORD, but I give my judgment as one who by the LORD's mercy is trustworthy", V.40 "Yet in my judgment"). As you mention, Paul is hyper-aware that so much of this is context-dependent and he is quick to recognize his unique gifting and to tread carefully in forming absolutes. Paul wanted the Corinthian church to avoid the extremes of ascetitism on one side and licentiousness on the other. Great work and thank you.
Very interesting. I'm currently unmarried at 31. I do have a strong desire for marriage, certainly, and I hope it works out one day.
I can only speak for myself, of course, but I've never felt "pressure" to marry, be it from my family, my friends, or my church community. Marriage is just something that I've always wanted on my own. Sometimes, in Christian circles, you can hear a message along the lines that the desire for marriage is somehow the result of cultural expectations or cultural pressure. That "the world" or "society" somehow brainwashed you into wanting marriage very badly. That hasn't been my experience.
From reading biblical passages like 1 Corinthians 7, it seems like we have the freedom to choose to marry, and the freedom to choose to stay single. And, from reading passages like Matthew 19, many people are single not because THEY chose it OR because God chose it. It's just how life turned out.
Also, I get we don't necessarily have to be wealthy to make a marriage work. But is is important, certainly, to become independent and financially stable. Love doesn't pay the bills, but love should motivate you to figure out a WAY to pay the bills.
I do like your points about Paul. A lot of times, when people discuss 1 Corinthians 7, they can emphasize all the good things he says about singleness, and then preach a message along the lines about how "amazing" and "counter-cultural" Paul's teaching about celibacy is. But it's good to read the whole chapter in its totality, of course.
Paul says he has no "commandment from God" about this. Paul says that HE wishes that everyone was single like him ── not that GOD wishes it. Paul says that HE, personally, is content with being single, but he admits that not everyone is like that. He says that it's good to stay single, but that it's actually BETTER to marry if you have strong desires. Paul "supposes" that it's better to stay single because of "the present distress," some crisis that the church in Corinth was dealing with at the time. He says you're not sinning by marrying. Paul says a widow would be happier if she stayed single, but he admits that this is just a personal opinion. Evidently, many people are NOT happier being single. In 1 Timothy 4:1-3 Paul also condemns people who forbid marriage. And if Paul wrote the Book of Hebrews, then he also said that marriage is a good thing.
You also mention that marriage began in the Garden of Eden. This is a good point to make when talking about singleness, especially unwanted singleness. An interesting thing about marriage is that God created it at the dawn of the world. It happened while Adam had a perfect, sinless relationship with God. So it wasn’t a lack of God being “enough” that made God give Adam a wife. He looked at Adam and said it “wasn’t good” for him to be alone. Wait! So even when he was totally with God, Adam still needed someone else? Whoops.
Of course, then what happened? Mankind rebelled, sin entered the world, and everything has been screwed up ever since. In Matthew 19, when Jesus talks about people who are celibate, he mentions a few different types: people who choose to live that way, people who were made that way by God, and people who were made that way by "other men." In other words, some people stay single, and it’s not because THEY chose it OR because it was "God's plan." It’s just how life turned out. We live in a bad world, where bad things happen and life doesn’t always go our way. I’ve often read that there’s more Christian women in the world than there are men. If that’s broadly accurate, it means that not everyone will be able to find a marriage partner.
Yes, God is good. But we live in a world that is NOT good.
You also mention that marriage takes effort. This is a good point. In my personal experience, a lot of the advice you get in church regarding the desire for marriage involves the usual platitudes and clichés about "learning contentment" and "trusting God's timing," etc., etc. The funny thing about that is that, in 1 Corinthians 7, Paul doesn't tell his readers to be content with their singleness. Paul says that HE, personally, is content with being single, but admits that not everyone is like that. He also says that if you're NOT content with being single......then maybe you should get married.
I mean, if you're 25 or older, and you want to get married, but all you've done is passively wait on "God's timing" for some sort of miracle to happen, well, you should probably put some more effort into it. Often we think being "patient" and "content" is the Good Christian Thing To Do. But we don't approach other areas of our life this way. Or goals like job searches or weight loss.
Often, as Christians we can get the idea that God's a Puppetmaster who's running every aspect of our love lives. That's a bit puzzling, though. If that's really the case, why has dating changed so much? Apparently God "used" to arrange marriages via betrothals at young ages. Then he invented the dating scene.Then he changed it to the early twenties, then mid-twenties, then late twenties, then thirties, and so and so forth. Why? Does He want to "test" us further these days or something? God never promised us a spouse anywhere. How can you trust God to fulfill a promise that He never made to you? The idea of a "soulmate" comes from Greek philosophy and mythology, but the Bible doesn't mention it. Jesus even said that there is no marriage in Heaven. And in 1 Corinthians 7:39, Paul says you can marry whoever you want, as long as they're a Christian.
You also mention the role of parents. This is actually a good topic to discuss. Personally, even though I grew up in a Christian home with two loving and happily married Christian parents, I didn't actually get much dating advice (beyond the usual "don'ts") or a lot of marriage advice (beyond the usual platitudes about "God has someone for you") A lot of the things I learned about dating and marriage came from reading books and blogs. I do wish my own parents had put some more emphasis on how to become a worthy spouse, how to deal with the opposite sex, and how to actually get married. If I ever do marry and have kids, I hope I can be as practical as I can with my advice about these sorts of things.
You also mention that marriage is a good thing. This might seem obvious, but I didn't really grow up in Christian communities where they really emphasized that a lot. They would always say patronizing stuff like "marriage is hard" or "there's more to life than marriage, you know." Or "Remember, single folks! Your number one priority is Jesus!" Well, gee, thanks. Wow. I didn't know that. Hahaha!
It's understandable why people want marriage, and why marriage is a genuinely good thing. As you alluded to, all the research I’ve ever seen (almost all secular) says that married people are happier, have more and better sex, make more money, live longer and impact society more. It’s a societal foundation, apparently. Who knew?
I mean, if you desire romantic love and marriage, well, you can't really find substitutes for it. Yes, your family loves you, but it's not THAT kind of love. Yes, your friends love you, but it's not THAT kind of love. And yes, Jesus loves you.....but it's not THAT kind of love. I've always liked how, in the Bible, there's so many different Hebrew and Greek words for the different kinds of love. In English, we, confusingly, can only over-use one, haha.
Take sex, for instance. In physical terms, sex is the most intimate way that anyone will ever physically connect with you. It's understandable why people want that, and why it hurts when it doesn't work out. And if you're a Christian single, there's no way to satisfy that. Paul seems to understand that in 1 Corinthians 7.
So, yeah, I do agree that, if you remain unmarried, there's lots of good things you miss out on. I feel the pain of that basically every day, and I hope I can make the dream happen one day.
If I had a kid, would I want him to marry at 18 or 45? Well, I have no specific age preference, but, if I ever had a kid who desired to marry, yeah, I would definitely hope that the can make that dream happen as soon as he can, and get his or her life in order so that they can make themselves an attractive marriage prospect. As a single man at 31 who's never married or even been in an "official relationship" (often for bad reasons) I wouldn't wish the pain and loneliness of that on anyone, especially if they had the desire to marry.
Looking forward to the book! I read lots and lots of Christian books about singleness and dating (and sometimes marriage), and they can definitely be a mixed bag, haha.
I was 18 when I got married. We’ve been married 43 long and hard years. It was an awful and terrible decision. However, we have wonderful sons. And they have wonderful families. God has been merciful and gracious.
There’s a lot in this that I agree with, especially the pushback against how casually marriage can get delayed or treated like it’s just one option among many life paths.
At the same time, I think 1 Corinthians 7 holds a tighter balance than the article gives it credit for. Paul really does speak positively about singleness, not just as an exception for a few special cases, but as a real calling that can be deeply fruitful for the Kingdom.
What I appreciate most is the emphasis that if someone genuinely desires marriage, it shouldn’t just be postponed indefinitely or treated like something that will “eventually happen someday.” There’s wisdom in treating it as something you actively move toward, with maturity and intention.
Where I’d gently push back is the idea that cultural delay automatically means people are devaluing marriage. Sometimes it is that, but sometimes it’s just life complexity, finances, or people still growing into readiness.
So I’d land here: marriage is a good and normal gift, singleness is also a real and honored gift, and wisdom is needed not to pressure people into one direction or excuse passivity in the other.
I've never noticed the bit about the crisis the Corinthians were facing. But does that mean Paul is a bit harsh to them here? They are going through a crisis so severe that it upends God's natural life pattern of getting married, but Paul doesn't offer them even a brief word of encouragement for their suffering (like he does with the Thessalonians). He just lays into them for their failings and gives them instructions for normal everyday life, which seems kind of insensitive. And he never mentions the crisis elsewhere, and neither does Luke in Acts. Did they not think the Corinthians suffering was as important as the suffering of the other churches that they do talk about? I know this is a bit off topic, but it just stood out to me as I read your article.
Personally, it doesn't come off as all that harsh., at least not to me. This section of Corinthians is interesting for me because Paul adds all these qualifiers and nuanced statements, which is unusual for him.
What all did Paul say about singleness and marriage? Paul says he has no "commandment from God" about this. Paul says that HE wishes that everyone was single like him ── not that GOD wishes it. Paul says that HE, personally, is content with being single, but he admits that not everyone is like that. He says that it's good to stay single, but that it's actually BETTER to marry if you have strong desires. Paul "supposes" that it's better to stay single because of "the present distress," some crisis that the church in Corinth was dealing with at the time. He says you're not sinning by marrying. Paul says a widow would be happier if she stayed single, but he admits that this is just a personal opinion. Evidently, many people are NOT happier being single. These sections of 1 Corinthians seem to soften his message, at least to me.
Also, Paul was personally content with being single, and he does recommend singleness. But Paul basically admits in this chapter that he's biased. He also concedes that not everyone is like him.
It does seem like Paul loved the Corinthians. Paul noted that he wrote his letters to them "out of much affliction and anguish of heart and with many tears", not to punish them, but to prove the depth of his love (2 Corinthians 2:4). Paul was pretty heavily invested in them. At one point Paul states that he would gladly spend everything he had—and exhaust himself entirely—for the sake of their souls (2 Corinthians 12:15).
At what age do you need to start having a desire to get married then? Is it a sin that I do not have a desire to be married or date right now (at 17)?
It's not a sin at all, no. You don't "need" to start having a desire to get married at 17 or at any age.
In 1 Corinthians 7 Paul writes that he wishes that everyone was like him (a single person content with being single) In Matthew 19 Jesus mentions that there's some people who choose to stay single "for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”
If you have no desire to marry right now, nothing's wrong with you. If you have no desire to marry in the future, nothing's wrong with you. And if you later change and DO begin to have a desire to marry, nothing's wrong with you, either.
I think you’re fine. 💖